→ Mao
Excessive scrutiny from others often hinders my ability to express myself freely. In specific circumstances, especially in the presence of elders, I consciously opt not to wear revealing clothing. Similarly, when visiting my hometown, I refrain from using vulgar language.
The most prominent form of attention and expectation I perceive revolves around women's appearance, attire, and physique. It even extends to the value placed on women in the heterosexual dating market. Also, I feel that the abundance of concealers and makeup removers in the market, while ostensibly helping to build my "confidence," actually serve to mask and erase an important part of my self-awareness.
While the internet has broadened the aesthetic standards for younger generations, I sense that it also promotes any mainstream aesthetic that holds greater commercial value. However, this commercial value is not currently determined by women.
Social, familial, and cultural forces all have an impact on how I dress, apply cosmetics, and communicate. At times, I attempt to identify the source of my shame, wondering whose gaze affects me most. I've also experimented with defying external expectations, testing the worst-case scenarios and probing others' true opinions and boundaries, but I have yet to overcome these challenges.
If my life were a book, I think the title would be "Before Her Success." Because I yearn for a life where everyone can see a happy ending from the start. I strive to find my direction and goals, but sometimes I feel lost, as if I'm thinking a lot but doing very little.
Today, I'm contemplating what I would do if I could go back to childhood. I think I would challenge those disliked teachers, no longer silently obeying their orders. I would bravely stand up for myself, defending my opinions and ideas. Maybe there would be consequences for such actions, but I believe it would make me stronger and more confident.